"All You Can Eat" Is A Challenge, Not An Advertisement

I had lunch today at Mother Tuckers, one of those trough-style all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants. It was suggested that I should blog about the experience, as I fancy myself something of an expert on how to maximize your experience at such public fonts of excess. So, as a service to my public, I offer the following tips. Do keep in mind, however, that I am not an obese man. Nay, in fact I am quite fit and trim, proof that indulging in all-you-can-eat need not be an unhealthy affair. Rather, consider it more of a challenge than an advertisement. “All I can eat? I think not, sir!”

• If sitting at a booth, be sure to choose an “aisle seat”, as you don’t want any obstacles between you and the food
• Forego a beverage –they’ll charge you through the nose for it, anyway– and stick to water; any calorically enhanced fluid will detract from your eating potential
• Don’t waste your time on breads and pastas; they’re cheap and filling and will prevent you from maximizing on the valuable fare
• As a rule, avoid the starchy carbs. They will fill you up fast. Airy items like waffles will also expand in your stomach once water is added and prevent you from eating more
• Maximize the meats; dense animal muscle does not expand a whole lot once it’s in your stomach, and thus will not fill you up quickly, nor will it cause you to feel sick and bloated afterward
• Put down the fucking celery!
• No need to adhere to traditional meal orders; it’s okay to alternate cheesecake and roast beef. Who said dessert had to be at the end?
• Avoid drinking fluids if you can. Water will fill you up and, as mentioned, may cause starchy foods to expand in your stomach
• The key to my champion strategy: keep eating, don’t slow down. Taking a “breather” allows your body the luxury of realizing that you’re stuffing it with food it doesn’t need. Best to keep your body confused and unaware by ramming as much cheap garbage down your throat as you can. So don’t dawdle in between servings!

Now, I am not a medical doctor, so I accept no responsibility if any of you get horribly, horribly sick from using my method. But it works for me. So go forth, my droogies, and pork out, obesify, stuff your gorges, impact your intestines, stimy your stomachs, throttle your throats, ram that roast, chew that chicken, swallow that swallow, lick that lobster and cram that crab.

Did I mention I’m off to Africa in two weeks? Land of famine and malnutrition? Just thought I’d mention it.