Friday, February 05, 2010

In Memory of Bo

No, not this Boe:




But rather, this Boa:



Boa was the last living speaker of the language Bo, named for the tribe of Bo, of the Great Andaman peoples who once populated the Andaman and Nicobar islands off of India.

If this link works, you'll be able to see a video of Boa singing in her now extinct native language.

Maybe it's hard for a non-academic pointy-head to appreciate the singular tragedy of Boa's passing, but give it a shot. Beyond the sad tale of military decimation by the British, then the effects of paternalistic colonial-style policies by both the British then the Indian governments, leading to the literal extinction of complete races of these aboriginal peoples, there remains the tragedy of our lost links to human pre-history. Yes, as with all things, the passing of Boa is being characterized first and foremost as a loss to the selfish modern world, and not so much as the legacy of a brutal crime committed by the modern world.

Very few anthropological links remain to human prehistory. It's remarkable how little we actually know about how the human animal lived, felt and thought prior to the innovation of writing and thus the recording of history. To examine such times would help answer some of the most fundamental questions of human existence having to do with what is natural and what is constructed. The perhaps thousands of years of human language prior to the advent of civilization a mere 6-10 thousand years ago reflect a sentient mind emerging from the grace of naturalism and into the realm of instrumentalism and exceptionalism.

With the passing of Boa goes one of our last connections to a language that reflected that ethic. In fact, it's believed that the language of Bo predates the Neolithic period, thus pre-dating what we define as civilization.

The continued paternalistic treatment of the surviving Andamanese concerns me greatly, as does modern civilization's treatment of extant tribal Aboriginals globally. In my review of the movie Avatar, some commenter made the annoying and all too common criticism, "I’m wondering why we don’t call Europeans in Europe with family ties dating back centuries aboriginals as well".

Well, fool, we don't call them that because the word "Aboriginal" refers both to a lengthy historical attachment to a place (typically lasting thousands, maybe tens of thousands of years) combined with a modern political, geographical and cultural marginalization of that extant and threatened race. I'll never understand why so many people feel threatened when the plights of such vulnerable peoples so rarely manages to make it onto the public agenda.

Species, peoples, cultures, languages, religions and ideas all go extinct. That's the way of things. But, you know what? It's not necessarily the fact of it that should worry us. It's the how of it. The Andamanese tribals are the victims of centuries of genocidal policies. As far as I can tell, one tribe remains.

You know what the first image I found when I Googled "Andaman"? This one:



Yeah, it's a British tourist ad. Boa is dead. Her race is extinct. And her ancestral land is now the domain of drunken, shagging chavs from England.


In Other News

My latest article is up at India Currents.

And I've begun to archive my haikus!

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Thursday, February 04, 2010

"Weekly" Twitter Tweets


Weekly Twitter tweets from deonandan, since:2010-01-25







:Twitter haiku 243 - "Dentist on the stand / Was told to tell the tooth and / Nothing but the tooth"
Feb 3, 2010 04:18 AM GMT


Am I the only one not watching Lost right now? Where is everybody? HELLOOOO!!!!
Feb 3, 2010 03:11 AM GMT


:Twitter haiku 242 - "Failed sex in orbit / Houston, we've got a problem / Attempt re-entry"
Feb 2, 2010 12:49 PM GMT


:Twitter haiku 241 - "Twitter warriors / Motto: never surrender / Never re-tweet"
Feb 2, 2010 03:39 AM GMT


Cripes. John Baird is on my flight. i knew I smelled something foul.
Feb 1, 2010 08:10 PM GMT


Magically completed, from scratch, a CIHR grant registration in the airport in under an hour, on one hour of sleep. Who rocks? I rock!
Feb 1, 2010 07:58 PM GMT


Ottawa Porter lounge: free wifi, free espresso, free cookies. Everything an underslept professor needs to complete a grant application.
Feb 1, 2010 06:48 PM GMT


Off to lecture... on less than one hour sleep!
Feb 1, 2010 01:03 PM GMT


Today: discount BACK bacon!
Jan 31, 2010 04:51 PM GMT


Rediscovering a neglected relationship with mayonnaise.
Jan 29, 2010 09:59 PM GMT


Never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. I now have a month's supply of discount bacon.
Jan 28, 2010 09:11 PM GMT


These late nights and early classes are killing fun-loving Raywat!
Jan 28, 2010 01:06 PM GMT


About to listen to Thomas Homer-Dixon. Wonder if he knows he has a funny name?
Jan 27, 2010 10:30 PM GMT · from TwitToday · Reply · View Tweet


Ahh, a day started right with a nutritional breakfast of oatmeal and discount bacon.
Jan 27, 2010 05:42 PM GMT


Because I'm a documentation nazi: http://deonandan.wikispaces.com/haikus
Jan 27, 2010 02:23 PM GMT


ZOMG... I just found the Planet Hulk movie online!
Jan 27, 2010 06:53 AM GMT


Booga booga.
Jan 27, 2010 03:51 AM GMT


Dear Yahoo Mail: I stuck by you through the rough bits, but you still suck. Yes, I've turned to that whore Gmail. Hope we can be friends.
Jan 26, 2010 04:11 PM GMT


I don't wanna go to the gym! I don't wanna!
Jan 26, 2010 01:36 PM GMT


:Twitter haiku 242 - "Fox News 'tea baggers' / Tale of angry, petty, whines / Called, 'The Gripes of Wrath' "
Jan 26, 2010 12:14 PM GMT


:Twitter haiku 241 - "Brat Pack gay sexers / Term for those in the closet / 'On the Rob down-Lowe'"
Jan 25, 2010 11:29 PM GMT

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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Memories of Student Journalism

Patricia Rozema


On Friday I was interviewed by the University of Ottawa's student paper, The Fulcrum. The interviewer was a first year student, and I couldn't help but recall my own student journalism days, many many many years ago.

I was a writer for the University of Toronto student papers, The Varsity, The Gargoyle and The Newspaper. This was back in the late 1980s and early 90s, so there were no websites back then, and even email was a rarity. Many would type out their articles on typewriters! Gasp! I know!

I wrote mostly arts reviews, and rarely something more serious. I wrote about 40 articles for those journals back in the day, and at least one was included (without my permission, I will add) in some Japanese coffee table book about an art installation I'd reviewed ("Ball Crowd Illuminates Riotous Architecture", The Varsity, Oct 2, 1992). The rest were of variable quality, but each had the fullness of my attention. The experience, without a doubt, helped me to develop the skills and discipline to become a professional writer.

My very first editor was Isabel Vincent, who went on to Canadian journalistic fame. The article I wrote for her was a review of a new TV show called Star Trek: The Next Generation. I'd concluded that the show would probably not have a long run. I was quickly pigeonholed as the "Star Trek guy", and was subsequently sent out to review a couple of Star Trek conventions. Yeah, chicks dig guys who write about Star Trek. Right?

My old high school friend Simon Houpt was my subsequent editor. Simon, of course, is now a superstar arts writer for the Globe & Mail, and author of Museum Of The Missing: A History of Art Theft. I remember that one of Simon's thrills was occupying the Gargoyle office once owned by David Cronenberg when he, too, was a student journalist. The lineage of such things is deep and important.

(A decade later, Simon and I would meet Ted Turner in the men's room of a movie theatre. Simon would go on to interview Billionaire Ted in an article that briefly caused a little stir in American print media. I mentioned the meeting briefly in one of my wrestling columns at the time.)

I recall fondly my first "big name" interview, which was arranged by Simon. It was with film director Patricia Rozema at the so-called "Festival of Festivals", which is what the Toronto International Film Festival was called back then. It's quite the giddy thing for a naive 20-something to be cast into the world of glamorous film festivals, with a catering room, press pass, press kit and everything! I would go on to review the TIFF for a variety of magazines years later, as my career matured.

Ms Rozema was very helpful, as she could probably tell how nervous I was. She told me to stop recording and check to see if the tape recorder was actually working. Now that I myself am sometimes interviewed, often by inexperienced journalists, it's something that I find myself doing: asking the interviewer to check on his recording device. I was such a pathetic sod, that at one point the interview turned into a therapy session as Ms Rozema attempted to console my broken heart, recently made so by an ended relationship.

I'll never forget something she told me during the formal interview. She was talking about how people search for meaning through family and by doing good deeds, leaving their mark, etc. I asked her then what her purpose in life was, and she replied, "To make beautiful things through my art." At the time, I thought it was the stupidest, flakiest and most self-obsessive thing I'd ever heard. I'm not so sure anymore.

I'll also never forget the reception that my interview received, so typical of idiotic, self-important youth. The first line of the article was, "Patricia Rozema is a beautiful woman in every respect." Predictably, the newspaper received letters of complaint that I was "objectifying" her. Insert rolling eyes here.

One of the curious things about student journalism, especially at a big and important school like the University of Toronto, is that you never know who your coworkers will become. Another old friend of mine, Matthew Vadum, was big on the student journalism scene and now makes it big on American TV and print. Another gadabout in those days was Hal Niedzviecki, who has certainly carved out a niche for himself in Canadian culture.

Back in the Varsity days, I worked alongside many future big names. Two necessarily come to mind: Naomi Klein, who is now one of the most famous women in the world; and Tim Long, who is now a writer and producer for The Simpsons. (And I will personally attest that long before the Powers That Be noticed him, Tim Long was a reflexively hilarious writer and a naturally hilarious fellow.)

As a result, despite whatever small success my writing has afforded me, I hope you will forgive me for never quite feeling up to the task. Look to whom I must constantly compare myself!

So what's the lesson here? There is none, except to say that so much of student experience separate from the formal academics plays a role in shaping one's skills and path in life. I wonder who the young woman who interviewed me on Friday will become in 15 years.

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Saturday, January 30, 2010

More Mobile Data Woes


You remember this post, right? Here's an update.

When last we visited our feckless hero, he had somehow managed to move all his data from a Palm platform to the hated MS Outlook, at which point he magically was able to push it all onto his spanking new Windows Mobile device, the Palm Treo Pro.... whereupon he chose to enter the second decade of the 21st century by opting to sync with the Cloud, the Google cloud, to be precise.

Things were going okay for a few days until I made a horrific discovery. (Yes, I'm switching back to first person. Try to keep up.) It seems that everytime I modified a contact under Google contacts, silly Google, rather than deleting the pre-mod version and replacing it with the post-mod version, would either merge the two entries, keep both, or keep both with seemingly randomly merged data.

It gets better. Syncing with the mobile phone has become unpredictable, as memory errors keep accumulating.

Well, I figured, time to move away from Google, right? So I wisely exported all my Contact data into two separate formats --CSV and VCF-- just in case. Then, on the advice on a knowledgable friend, I got myself a premium account with memotoo.com and did all the right thingies to move my contacts data from Gmail over to memotoo.

Well what do you think happened? The sync was complete and.... the memotoo version is lacking all the profile photos.... and both versions (Google and memotoo) are missing about 200 contacts. They've vanished.

Well, then, time to delete all my Gmail contacts and reload them from my wisely saved backups, right? Um.... it seems that when Google exports an address book --regardless of the format you choose-- the profile photos do not export with it. So, I have lost all my profile photos.

Or have I? The data on my actual device remains pristine, right? I mean, minus whatever minor changes I recently made at the server end. All I need to do now is to successfully perform a device sync and all should be fine... until the next crisis.

But of course now the device won't sync. Why? Who knows. All I know is that, even though Google Still Owns My Ass, I'm no longer impressed by the owner's ability to maintain said ass.

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Monday, January 25, 2010

"Weekly" Twitter Tweets


Weekly Twitter tweets from deonandan, since:2010-01-05






2 lectures down, 1 to go... and it's only midnight!
Jan 25, 2010 05:00 AM GMT


Anyone looking for an apartment in Toronto? http://tinyurl.com/ya8qu3g (expand)
Jan 24, 2010 11:14 AM GMT


WTF? My dream this morning consisted of the GPS's verbal instructions as I drove through a German suburb.
Jan 24, 2010 10:46 AM GMT


Just scrubbed my condo from top to bottom. Is your Saturday night as fun as mine?
Jan 24, 2010 02:37 AM GMT


:Twitter haiku 240 - "Polygamous ape / Needs a name for his first wife / How about 'prime mate'?"
Jan 24, 2010 12:43 AM GMT


(Oops. Guess my comment was so nice, I needed to post it twice!) http://tweetphoto.com/9407233
Jan 23, 2010 10:37 PM GMT


It's some sort of strange Nordic Michael Jackson homage http://tweetphoto.com/9407233
Jan 23, 2010 10:34 PM GMT


Recovery, thine name be sleep.... sweet, sudden, bacon-induced sleep.
Jan 23, 2010 10:32 PM GMT


Just created the World's Greatest Omelette... complete with a half pound of bacon!
Jan 23, 2010 07:04 PM GMT


three hours sleep + half litre of sake = good times
Jan 23, 2010 02:09 AM GMT


:Twitter haiku 239 - "Female genitals / Models for new Swiss auto / Behold, the Vulvo!"
Jan 22, 2010 09:58 PM GMT · from mobile web · Reply · View Tweet


I just gave all my shoes to Haiti. Somewhere in the rubble, a Haitian child skips about in my knee-high Doc Martens.
Jan 22, 2010 09:42 PM GMT


Anyone looking for a Toronto-based project management job in mental health? www.tinyurl.com/y9vpdzt (expand)
Jan 22, 2010 06:33 AM GMT


Down to a mere 95 unread messages in my inbox. The goal: zero before going to bed!
Jan 22, 2010 06:05 AM GMT


Yahoo IMAP sucks.
Jan 21, 2010 09:50 PM GMT


Raywat Deonandan attending lecture on fetal alcohol syndrome. i think i need a drink.
Thurs at 11:50


Finished writing my lecture for tomorrow... just in time to get dressed and go give it.
Thurs at 03:43


Heard this on BBC. Real and hilarious: Sleep Talkin' Man http://www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/
19 January at 17:23


Cadbury Inc's founder was Eggbert Cadbury. Why does no one else find this hilarious?
19 January at 11:23


In British crime drama, why is everyone always so angry?
18 January at 18:53


Two lectures down, one two hour meeting to go. Cue loopiness...
18 January at 13:27


Done!...Damn, it's 5:AM :(
18 January at 04:53


one lecture done, one to go...
18 January at 02:27


Raywat's Rule #6: when you're desperately trying to write two lectures for 8:AM, that's when you spill a bottle of red wine on your new rug.
17 January at 23:04


Just saw "Dr Parnassus", emphasis on the "ass"
17 January at 18:28


:Twitter haiku 239 - "Lo, Pat Robertson / Master of hate and self-love / You master-hater"
15 January at 18:27


Oooooh. 9:am meeting with chocolates and Jim Bean bourbon. Sometimes being a professor rocks.
15 January at 09:46


A late night snack consisting of chilli, yogurt and maple syrup makes for a very special morning.
15 January at 09:37


Yogurt and maple syrup is a balanced meal, right?
14 January at 21:21


Watching "Steven Seagal: Lawman" - equal parts BS, ego, unintended hilarity and actual undistilled coolness.
14 January at 17:13 ·


:Twitter haiku 238 - "My shelf stocked with books / Physics, Art, Sci-fi, Humour / The rest is hist'ry"
14 January at 08:12


I don't wanna write my lecture for tomorrow! I don't wanna!
13 January at 22:29


The Raywat Singularity: "the point at which one acquires so much work to do, that one cannot do any of it."
13 January at 08:34


I don't wanna go to the gym! I don't wanna!
12 January at 08:16


Washing down the chocolates from Russia with kiwis from, um, Kiwiland.
11 January at 23:01


Just ate six Russian mini-chocolate bars. Six more to go...
11 January at 21:55


An 830am Monday morning class? Someone hates me.
11 January at 10:20


Anyone looking for a Toronto-based writer/researcher job with the YWCA? http://tinyurl.com/yanb2j4
10 January at 23:35


Question for God: why did You make me so darned irresistable to flakey New Age chicks?
10 January at 19:39


:Twitter haiku 237 - "New economy / Markets for soil, mud and dirt / But grime does not pay"
10 January at 09:56


:Twitter haiku 236 - "Swiffer dry or wet? / Can't decide, but I do know / Vacuum cleaners suck"
09 January at 20:47


The flight attendant's name is "Wendii" with two i's. That's either cute or annoying. Or both.
09 January at 11:53


Sole joy of the early morning flight: being alone in the Ottawa Porter lounge! Yayyy!
09 January at 09:02


-20 and I'm waiting at a bus stop :(
09 January at 07:58


Today's 2:AM snack: sauteed chick peas with turmeric, ginger, garlic, black pepper and tomatoes. No bacon :(
09 January at 02:11


:Twitter haiku 235 - "Acupuncturist / Calls a telephone sex line / 'Stick it to me, babe!'"
08 January at 19:28


Polka-dot pink! Awwww, I'm too late :(
08 January at 08:59


Cravings must be appeased. Bring on the midnight bacon!
07 January at 23:46


Because I need to be in the loop: http://bit.ly/5p5IyB
07 January at 19:42


To all of you with colours as your status updates, what's going on? Me no like being out of the loop! It makes me scared and confused! Wahh!
07 January at 19:34


Note to self: in the future, when changing clothes in my ground-floor office, don't do so in front of the window.
07 January at 14:17


:Twitter haiku 234 - "New business idea:/ Market surveys by strippers! / Call it 'poll dancing'"
07 January at 11:33


Great discovery of the day: you can send free international SMS's through Yahoo messenger!
07 January at 08:01


Uhoh, bad move: still have to write a lecture and yet I popped some muscle relaxants. Gonna be a fun class!
06 January at 22:59


Off to get a haircut. Oh what the heck, I'll get them ALL cut!
06 January at 11:04


I don't wanna go to the gym. I don't wanna!
06 January at 08:19


Watching Bret Hart's return to WWE Raw. Man, he looks old.
05 January at 19:44


Door-to-door marketer just woke me from a great dream. It was about hockey. I hate hockey. Hey, maybe it wasn't so great of a dream.
05 January at 19:10


My 16 DVD set of BR Chopra's "Mahabharata" just arrived. Break out the papadam!
05 January at 12:38

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Google Owns My Ass


Sit back, my droogies, and let me tell you a tale of techno-disappointment and e-frustration...

I am, as they say, an "early adopter", someone who tends to embrace technological innovation slightly earlier than the bulk of humanity. I had an email address in the late 1980s, back when you had to explain to people at parties what that meant and why it was useful. (Sort of like explaining Twitter to non-Tweeters today, and always getting the ignorant, dismissive response, "Why would anyone want to do that?!!") I got my first PDA, a Palm Pilot, in the late 1990s, and enjoyed its various short term progeny, the Palm III and Palm IIIe for years before moving on to the Handspring Visor, which was the shiny "Mac"-type version of the Palm workhorse.

At parties I would get ooohs and ahhhs because my Visor also came equipped with a module that you could stick into its top, the "Eyemodule", which --gasp!-- allowed you to take a digital photo! Here's a standard, tiny and blurry black-and-white self-portrait taken on the Eyemodule about 10 years ago:




Most people at this time enjoyed internet access via dial-up service. Kids, that meant that you had to use the phone line to check your email and download your porn, on something as slow as a 56K connection. My PDA was ahead of its time because it had a phone jack that allowed me to plug in to any phone line, dial up my ISP, and download my email... to my handheld device!!!

Around this time, cell phones were coming into common usage. The first generation Watphone was this monstrosity, built by Sony, and provided by ClearNet, the precursor to Telus:



It was heavy enough to use as a weapon, inefficient enough to burn a hole through the fabric of your pocket, and bulky enough to get the ladies' attention if you kept it in your front pants' pocket.

Eventually, the Visor also came with a game-chaning new attachment, the Visorphone, which allowed you to dial your phone directly from the PDA! Worlds of wonder, indeed!

Predictably, the PDA world and phone world finally came together. Thus, the "smartphone" was born. (See this 1996 Podium article on the ascension of the smartphone by Andrew Currie.)

Since my data was all in the Palm world, I gravitated to the Treo line of smartphone products, beginning with the flip-top 90, mostly because I could pretend I was using a Star Trek communicator:


The 90 and 180 both had the fun flip top, but were tragically fragile. I documented by early attempts to repair them in this 2005 post.

And so I progressed from the 90 through to the 180, 270, 300, 600, 650 and 680. My first attempts to deviate from the Palm world are documented in my June 2007 post, where I briefly --and foolishly-- attempted a brief flirtation with Windows Mobile 5.

Eventually I moved on to the Treo 680. My 680 has kept me in good stead for the past few years:



(Or, as my technophobic massage therapist calls it, my "C3P0")

So what's the big deal? Frankly, Palm OS is a sufficiently stable and useful platform. More importantly, it syncs with Palm Desktop, the lightest, most stable and useful PIM (personal information manager) I've ever found.

But Palm OS was invented for an unwired world. It really hasn't changed much in over 10 years, back when it revolutionized the industry on the Palm Pilot. The world abandoned Palm OS some years ago, and no updates have been forthcoming. The OS is crappy for web browsing and for integrating the new generation of "cloud" services; thus its phones often crash when you try to make a phone call while an email message is downloading. It really cannot multitask.

But all the new smartphones have crappy PIMs. Now, I write a monthly blog for MicroSoft, which means I really shouldn't rag on their products. But you know what? Outlook sucks. It really does. It's bloated and virus-friendly, often crashes, and tries to take over every function on my computer. Palm Desktop beats it in every category that is important to me. But Outlook is the preferred PIM for pretty much every existing smartphone on the market.

Thus my dilemma: if I wish to evolve beyond the confines of Palm OS, I also need to give up Palm Desktop. My blog post of Jan 2009 detailed this dilemma, and even reported that I found a solution: Airset. Except that Airset isn't a real solution, just a stop-gap to ensure that some of my data is stored somewhere Cloud-like.

The news: I have purchased a Palm Treo Pro, which runs Windows Mobile 6, but is still friendly to the lineage of Treos that I adore so much. Yes, I would buy a Palm Treo Pre, but they are way too expensive right now. In either case, I still need a solution for converting all my data from Palm Desktop format to something --anything!-- else. It seems I cannot avoid using Outlook.




Okay then... where to begin? There is supposedly an easy way to do this. Palm offers a special "conduit" for syncing the old Treo directly with Outlook and thus creating a whole new world of data. The problem is that... it does not work. At least not for me. At least not entirely. Custom fields created in the address book need to be manually mapped, one by one. I have 1500 address book entries, so that's not gonna fly.

Then there's the issue of the profile photos I associate with each of my contacts (yes, each of YOU). They also do not transfer over to Outlook, neither 2003 nor 2007.

So, to make a long story short, I spent several days trying solutions. I tried something called Companionlink, which sounds like a Seniors dating service, but is actually a third party syncing solution. Not only did it not work, but my attempts to force it to work eventually caused a core dump on one of my computers, forcing me to shift work over to another computer. (Luckily, my tiny condo is populated by 6 computers, none of which is particularly useful.)

Then I tried PocketMirror, which sounds like something you'd buy at Pervs-R-Us, but which is in fact a third party sync solution specially made for Palm OS devices and Outlook. It works... sorta. But it doesn't transfer over those all-important profile photos.

Then I tried PocketCopy, which is meant for a one-time transfer of data from Palm Desktop to Outlook. Weirdly, this worked partway... which was a start!

Long story short, after trying a slew of third party solutions --some purchased and some pirated-- and after literally rendering one of my computers unusable and crashing two more --and after having to painstakingly convert several items by hand-- I now have one computer fully loaded with a version of Outlook that also has a complete mirror of my Palm Desktop data.

And that's 90% of the problem solved right there.

The remaining 10% has to do with syncing my device to Outlook, which is a special kind of hell. The activesync process doesn't always work, is heavily bloated and sometimes results in corrupted data (in my experience). So the solution I found was this: sync once to get the data from Outlook to my device, then from then on, sync "over the air" directly with the Google Cloud using Google's MicroSoft Exchange service.

First attempt: works like a charm. Google owns my ass.

Lingering problems:

  • Sometimes it doesn't work
  • It doesn't sync tasks or notes
  • Google calendar doesn't seem to go back more than a year, whereas my data goes back many years
  • If I update a profile photo on Google contacts, that photo does not get transferred to my device during the sync
  • Google Calendar has the annoying habit of stretching all the birthdays in my contacts list across 48 hours

All this to say.... Maybe I'll get a Palm Pre after all.


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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

More Bits of Tid

My friend Mieke K., who's now living in London, UK, went to an auction and found the following for sale:



It's cologne made by Dean and Dan Catenacci, founders of DSquared. The cologne was going for some unZodly amount.

Why is this relevant? Because Mieke and I went to high school with Dean and Dan. Strange to find a product made by high school friends being sold with such aplomb at a London auction house, no?

Okay, I thought it was interesting.

What else have I got for you today? DeeMack sends us this feature about fan stories surrounding some famous movie narratives. Trust me, they're much more interesting and plausible than the movies themselves. I particularly like the far superior theory surrounding the Matrix (*cough* crap *cough*) movies.




Also from DeeMack, apparently the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

  1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  12. Decafalon (n..): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  13. Glibido: All talk and no action..
  14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


  1. Coffee (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.): Impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.): To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (n.): A humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon (n.): A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  15. Circumvent (n.): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


In Other "News"

You never know where a blog post is going to end up. My H1N1 vaccination post has been popping up all over the 'Net, including on the blog of Keith and Darcie Dow. I don't know who these people are. They're welcome to my words, as is everyone else, so long as my name remains attached, as the Dows have done.

Sadly, my post on Obama's failures thus far appears on this discussion forum, resulting in not quite the quality of discourse I had hoped for.

And every now and then some wingnut conservative discussion forum picks up my 2004 blog post about Belinda Stronach (scroll to Jan 16).

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