Miss Universe Rigged!

Toronto superbabe Natalie Glebova is the new Miss Universe. Personally, I think it's rigged: every year, without exception, the winner is from Planet Earth.

Some Pointless Pop Culture Discussion

Anyone else see the grand series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise called "These Are The Voyages"? Man, what a steaming turd of a show. In fact, turds would make better viewing. I would say I could pull a better script out of my ass, but then I'd be taking this whole fecal allusion too far. But images of shit are what dance about one's brain when watching this flushable collection of dramatized excreta.

Thus ends a pointless prequel in a franchise that should have died with its creator, Gene Roddenberry. Anyone who knows anything about Star Trek knows that the entirety of blame for everything wrong with all the recent series and movies (and there was a lot) can be attributed to two brain dead men: Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. How these nitwits got to inherit control over this most cherished of cultural staples I will never understand. Why were the reigns not passed to Roddenberry's wife, who has shown great adeptness in overseeing other posthumous Roddenberry creations (like Andromeda and Earth: Final Conflict) ---that is, before the suits dumbed down those shows, too?

As a result, I have no more faith in big-network corporate American TV science-fiction. The Sci-Fi network's new BattleStar Galactica series is extraordinary, it really is. And their Stargate and Stargate: Atlantis behemoths continue to bring in grand ratings through good acting, consistent scripts and excellent stories; it's because Sci-Fi is still small and idealistic. I fear, though, that Sci-Fi's success may eventually compel the dumbening-down of those shows, too. Oh well, back to reading books.

Meanwhile, I wouldn't be the geek that I am if I didn't comment on Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. It's better than Episodes I and II. It's not as good as Episodes IV, V and VI. That's all you need to know.

I will continue to go to bed each night, confused, wondering how uncreative men with dumb-ass ideas and no sense of story continue to make billions of dollars ostensibly as "storytellers." Lucas, Braga and Berman, I'm lookin' at youse.

It's Good To Be Brown

Just came back from watching my friend Anjali Patil dance in a spectacular Kathak performance at the Museum of Civilization. You know, it's times like this when I'm really glad to be Indian. The clothes, the music, the dance, the food, the languages, the ethic, the history, the religions and the gorgeous, gorgeous women --man, it's just so bloody cool.

I couldn't take a photo of Anjali's actual performance, so instead here's a blurry pic of her at the after-party, courtesy of my trusty (but blurry) Treo 600:

Get Some Perspective!

Today's recommended reading is Charley Reese's latest on how to solve terrorism and the crisis in the Middle East: bitch slap Israel.

Now, let's talk about the whole kafuffle about Newsweek's story about US troops desecrating a Qura'an. The story, since somewhat debunked, resulted in violent demonstrations across the Muslim world during which people were killed. Of course, conservative pundits are decrying Newsweek reporter Mike Isikoff as "anti-American" and other such predictable nonsense. Here are some points to keep in mind:

As Bill Press says: "Newsweek relied on faulty intelligence to write a magazine article. George W. Bush relied on faulty intelligence to start a war which has cost over $200 billion, and which has taken the lives of over 1600 Americans and tens of thousands of Iraqis... Here's the difference. Newsweek didn't know its intelligence was phony. And Newsweek apologized."

And it's not like the story wasn't believable. US atrocities at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib are so well documented now that the flushing of a book is not unimaginable. More importantly, this is not even news, since such desecration has been reported before.

Moreover, whenever the jihadists riot over something Bush himself has "inadvertently" said or done, these same pundits never accuse the President of duplicity, anti-Americanism or unprofessionalism. No, in those cases it's clearly the rioters' fault. Please. Why is Newsweek such a target for their vitriol, then? Clearly because they have an unending hard-on for the "biased liberal media."

Norman Mailer goes so far as to suggest that the misleading ofIsikoff was in fact an intentional counter-intelligence ploy by the US military to discredit a news source who was deemed overly liberal. Sounds a tad overly conspiratorial, but the fact that a prominent thinker like Mailer can publicly entertain such a theory is an indication of the current image of the US government among its own citizens: one of conniving brown-shirts seeking to undermine the pillars of its own society.

My memo to conservative pundits: shut the fuck up already. My memo to the rioting jihadists: they beat, humilated and sodomized your POWs, invaded your countries, humiliated your leaders and insulted your culture.... and you choose to riot over a book? Get some perspective!

Belinda

There are very few new truly creative projects arising on the Web these days. It's with pleasure that I discovered this one, called PostSecret. It's a blog where anyone can submit a secret dressed up as a postcard; they call it a "community art project." It really is quite gripping reading.

In other news, celebrity Ceonservative MP Belinda Stronach recently made waves when she defected to the Liberal party and took up a cabinet post in Paul Martin's government. I have earlier disclosed my very brief association with the Stronach family in this bulletin entry (see Jan 16, 2004). With that in mind, here's my take on this event:

• Belinda's father Frank is, to some extent, the master who pulls her career strings. And Frank always wanted to be a bigshot in the Liberal party of Canada. Is Belinda's move in part a reflection of Daddy's unfulfilled ambitions?
  

• It is entirely possible that Belinda's move was an altruistic one. She had earlier expressed a liking for the Liberal-NDP budget and has now moved to act on that support. Moreover, her handlers are likely poised to paint her move as "patriotic", since she is effectively reducing the chances of another election, and no non-politician wants another election.
  

• It is equally possible that Belinda's move was one of opportunism. This is, after all, a woman who arrogantly sought the leadership of a major political party without ever having held public office, giving her a very real chance of moving straight from private life into the Prime Minister's chair, without ever having weathered an election. With that kind of ambition, it's not a great stretch to imagine her discontent with being an unadorned MP; the lure of a cabinet position would have been palpable.
  

• What is very likely is that her Prime Ministerial ambitions have been quashed. In the Conservative party, she was always a contender for the leader's office and hence the keys to the nation. With the Liberals, she stands a greater chance of being with the ruling party, but is way down in the pecking order. The Conservatives may never give her another chance, and the Liberals will make her wait a decade before considering her as leader material, if ever.
  

• This might all blow up in her face. Many believe that the Liberal budget was designed to fail because the Liberals actually do want an election but don't want to be seen as the ones who forced it. If an election comes, will Belinda's constituency support her move? I suspect not. She and her team may have greatly overestimated the potency of her charisma which, while unique among the babe-free Conservatives, is not not so important for the Liberal base. She stands a very good chance of losing her federal seat.
  

Time will tell, my droogies. Time will tell.

Pin The Tail On The Jack-Ass... North Korean Style

The Asian Heritage Month literary event last night was by all accounts a great success. Many thanks to the organizers (particularly John and Ismail) , to the Ottawa Public library, to Octopus Books, to the six other authors and, of course, to the many audience members. I took some boring photos, but I don't think anyone wants to see them. It was a particularly moving evening as accomplished poet Asoka Weerasinghe broke into tears while reciting a poem about tsunami-affected Sri Lanka, his home; and even I had trouble keeping it together as I dedicated my reading of "Nataraj", in my opinion the finest story I've ever written, to the memory of Sue Jane.

My next scheduled public appearance will be Friday June 4 at the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario, where I will present the results of our recent study of post-traumatic stress disorder among Sri Lankan children affected by the tsunami.

So let's lighten the mood by looking at a game that North Korean kids play. See, this is why the Asian educational system is kicking our asses!

And remember that UK memo I mentioned earlier, the one that confirms that the Bushies were manufacturing a reason to go to war with Iraq? You can read the actual document here.

Until tomorrow, I leave you with a request from the CBC:

Until next Thursday, CBC Ottawa will be inviting people to send in
photos to a contest called "Seeing Asia in Ottawa". It's a way to celebrate
Asian Heritage Month, and we're looking to receive photos from people
of all ages, with a range of photography experience.

I hope you can mention this contest, or forward the details below, to
anyone who would have fun taking an Asian-inspired photograph.

Thanks very much,

Kate Porter
associate producer, CBC Radio Ottawa

RIP: Sue Jane

It is with great sadness that I report the death of a friend, Ms. Sue Jane, who lost her battle with cancer this past Saturday. Sue was an astonishingly beautiful woman, both physically and spiritually, who leaves behind a husband and an infant daughter. For those of you who knew Sue and who are in Australia, a funeral service is being held at St. John's Anglican Church, 86 Clendon Road, Toorak, Victoria, this Friday May 20th at 10:30 a.m.

I used to make fun of Sue for her Australian pronunciation of Star Wars, which usually ended up sounding something like, "staaah woes." But I will certainly never watch those movies the same way again. The photo below is of Sue and her husband Oscar. If the hit count is too high, Geocities will prevent you from seeing the picture. If that happens, just try again in a few hours.

Popo Bawa = Ass Goblin

Those are some words I never thought I'd write in my blog. And no, the Ass Goblin isn't one of Spiderman's many foes. Rather, "he" is Popo Bawa, a paranormal entity that supposedly haunts the Indian Ocean, including the Utopian isle of Zanzibar. According to many stories that have hit the newswires in the past 24 hours, islands in the Indian Ocean are preyed upon by a cryptozoologic beast called Popo Bawa who is a "bat-like ogre said to prey on men, women and children" or a "sodomizing gremlin."

"Ass goblin" is funnier.

In all seriousness, many of the reports resemble common experiences of "sleep paralysis", which I discussed in a previous Bulletin entry (see Nov 25, 2004). Everything, of course, except the sodomy.

For those of you in Ottawa, don't forget tonight's Asian Heritage Month literary evening. It's at the main public library at 120 Metcalfe from 6-9pm. There will be food!

Goodbye, Opus Mine

In celebration of the upcoming Star Wars film, I give you this extremely geeky website dedicated to Princess Leia's bikini: www.leiasmetalbikini.com. Enjoy!

In my neverending quest for fame, it was heartening to discover that I was quoted in an Oxfam newsletter.

And now the bad news....

Due to financial contraints, my publisher can no longer afford to keep all the copies of my first book in storage. So all but 200 copies will be pulped in 3 weeks. I have agreed to purchase much of the outstanding stock, but it still sucks to see one of my life's greatest achievments literally reduced to its base elements.

Impotence Is Not Infertility

Well looky looky, a British memo says that "intelligence and facts were being fixed" by the Bush administration to manufacture a war in Iraq. We all know this already, but finally there's some proof. Bet you $5 nobody cares, 'cause Britney Spears is pregnant or something.

Now, as I live in Canada, home of lax drug laws, this is not an issue for me. But I remember my brief stint in the capital of the American Imperium, where random drug testing was rapidly becoming the norm. So, for those of you of a particular vulnerable demographic, I present the Whizzinator. What is it, you ask? It's a fake penis filled with urine. Yes, you read that right.

Lord Vadum sends us this story about a man in Italy who was successfully sued by his wife for concealing from her his impotence before marriage. The court ruled that he must pay her damages for eroding her right to have a family. This is just ridiculous. Erectile dysfunction is a proper reason for divorce, certainly. But the man is not infertile, he is impotent. He can still procreate... with a bit of assistance. This is a travesty.

On a completely unrelated topic, I attended the kick-off ceremony for Asian Heritage Month in Parliament two days ago. All the usual blowhard politicians were present, which was fascinating considering that the government is due to fall in a matter of days. There was equal representation from most of the major political parties (I think the Bloc was notably absent). But Jim Karygiannis, Libral MP for Scarborough-Agincourt, unbelievably commented, "My father, an immigrant, said to me recently, 'Jim I'm proud that you're an MP and proud that you're a Liberal... because this Conservative-Bloc alliance is tearing the country apart!'"

Now, no one dislikes the Conservative party of Canada more than me. (Well, there are many people who dislike them more than me, but they don't own this website.) But, come on, is a cultural event really the appropriate venue to be launching into political attacks? Of course, he was met with a round of boos, which I'm sure made all the nervous cultural performers quite at ease as they waited to get on stage. Sheesh. Bunch of squabbling kids.

But the afternoon was saved by the spectacular dance performance of my friend, the lovely Dr. Radha Jetty, whose poise, grace and rhythm were truly moving. Here's a pic of Radha in all her glory:

The Snowtemple of Doom

Lots of stuff happening as Asian Heritage Month gets into full gear. For Indian classical music fans in Ottawa, we are pleased to have visiting a true master of the sitar. Here's an excerpt from the press release:

Shahid Parvez (addressed with the title “Ustad”) is considered by some to be the finest player in the world of the Indian classical stringed instrument, the sitar. The Sitar School of Toronto’s Ottawa branch is pleased to announce that Ustad Parvez will be teaching a class on Sunday May 15, from 11:AM-3:PM, at 111A Rideau Street. Observers are welcome to attend at no cost.

A musical genius, Ustad Parvez gave his first recital at the age of 8. He represents the seventh generation of a specific Indian classical music family called the Imdad Khani Gharana. Today, Ustad Parvez is acknowledged by stalwarts like Pandit Ravi Shankar and Ustad Vilayat Khan as one of the finest sitar players alive and the torch-bearer for the current generation of classical musicians. He has performed to sold-out concert halls and music festivals all around the world, and is considered an excellent and entertaining teacher.

So come on out on Sunday if you're in town.

Here's a great website: www.sixsixfive.com. In it, the dude tries to list 665 interesting items. I particularly like #578 and #10.

I leave you with this modern classic from Boners.Com: the Snowtemple Of Doom:

Go Jump Off The Mountains U Bitch

Oh, this is hilarious. I googled "Deonandan" (because, hey, I'm an egotist) and found a teen chat site with one of the participants named "Sarah Deonandan" (no relation, that I know of). This little foul-mouthed vixen is an inspiration:

Dane Ramirez: Hi, I am 13 and I am from Colorado

Sarah Deonandan: who gives a shit

Alyssa Ramirez: I do, what the hell is your problem??

Sarah Deonandan:
why r u bugging the hell out of me
who gives a fuck that your 13
since your in colorado go jump off the mountains u
bitch

Ahh, youth. So innocent, so pure.

I promised I'd share with you an anecdote about the recent high school reunion. Well, from 1981 to 1986 my good buddy David Kennedy and I were obsessed with space travel. We made a pledge at 14 to be the first men on Mars. For our grade 12 special project (we were in a gifted programme so there were special projects galore) we designed a manned mission to the rings of Saturn, complete with crew recommendations and efficiency specs for the fusion engine. We called it "Caravan To Cronus." (The slideshow presentation that went with the project was gold, complete with Batman and Robin figurines on the surface of Iapetus, i.e. Dave's back yard.)

Anyway, during those years Dave I took turns taking a single book out of the library: T.A. Heppenheimer's Toward Distant Suns. No one else in the school had yet taken it out, and we were determined that no one else ever would. So for five years we ensured that the book was always in our possession. This meant checking it out and returning it every 2 weeks --for 5 years. (Note: the book wasn't that great, but this is the sort of shit that teenagers do; see Sarah Deonandan above.)

I went back to the high school library this past weekend, almost 20 years after we left. The book is still there, but there's a new check-out card in the back, and mine and Dave's names are no longer there. Sniff.

I'm Not The Only One Who Can't Drive

Sorry for the lack of depth on this blog of late. I can only plead fatigue so often, but it's true! What with a new job, transcontinental travel, issues in my romantic life, a freakin' high school reunion and the greater realization of the ever accelerating receding hairline, it's a miracle I find the emotional energy to use the toilet!

So bear with me for a while, will you?

Now here is the story of a man named Jesus Christ who can't get a driver's licence. I'm sure there's a joke here, but for the life of me I can't think of it. Feel free to add one in the comments below.

This is an excellent site called Faces Of Meth. Simply move your cursor across each face to see how each person looked after meth abuse. Problem is that the first chick actually looks better after a few months of drug abuse.

The Wikipedia entry for "irony" should include this story: a student sues his school after being disciplined for cheating on his ethics exam. Ha!

Meanwhile Darth Vadum sends us the Libertarian Purity Test. Much to my horror, I scored 35.

Um....Yeah...

"When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." Yep, that's what a radical Christian anti-abortion activist said on the Alan Colmes radio show. Listen to the whole feed here.

Here's one of the many money quotes from the interview: "If it's warm and if it's damp and it vibrates, you might in fact have sex with it."

Which reminds me of anold one:

Q: What's a Redneck's version of Safe Sex?
A: Mark all the livestock that kick.

A comment on Fark.com hit the nail on the head, regarding the mindset of the radical far-right Christian: "I was a filthy dirty bastard until I found Jesus, therefore all you people who don't accept Him into your hearts must be filthy dirty bastards too."

Post Reunion

Sunday afternoon and about to head back to Ottawa. Am blogging from the Toronto subway after a very sweet conversation with my ageing parents on Mother's Day. Time to return to my selfish bachelor life in the nation's boring old capital.

The NSS high school reunion was fantastic, a lot more fun than I had any right to expect. There were several people who did not come because, I'm told, they weren't proud of their current station in life. I really wish they had come. At such events it's the quiet people you miss the most, the ones whose stories were never well known, and who are likely more interesting than the extroverted blowhards (like me) who thrive at these things. You quiet people know who you are. Feel free to email me to catch up.

Admittedly, it was a tad uncomfortable being in the extreme minority of unmarried childless grads. But that's life, folks, as is being propositioned by creepy old retired teachers. Eww.

There's a particular photo I will share with you once I return to my computer, and with it a tale of supreme pointless geekistry. Dave K., you should pay particular attention.

I will relate one telling anecdote, however. It seems a girl I had a crush on back in the day actually thought back then that I was gay. Me, Captain Heterosexual. Must have been the leg warmers and my Streisand collection. That and the whole creepy teacher proposition thing.

The Reunion

Here I am at the post-party of my high school reunion at the Unicorn pub: live blogging just to piss off the growing anti-blog crowd. oh you know who you are. Let me allow some of the attendees to have their say:

John Roxburgh: if only we had this technology 20 years ago in high school, we'd have had a head start in pissing people off.

Cary Shafir: the truest thing are said in jest.

Cher Anne Nash: people are people. after 20 years everyone is happily the same.

Ray: that's not necessarily a good thing, Cher Anne.

Jennifer McKeen: hi mom and dad!

Shirley Hunt: Simon Houpt pissed me off.

Rufus Glasgow: Holy fucking shit!

Dave Cranmer.: I don't recognize anybody!

Wendy Sniderman: how fucking surreal!

Stephen Couchman: to the zoo and step on it!

John Young: that guy is still a loser!

Here's a pic of Rufus and Shirley:

Aieee.

I tend not to write about uber-personal items in this space since it often means violating the privacy of someone else. But let me tell you, last night I and my ex-girlfriend had the relationship post-mortem talk. Is there anything more excrutiating and depressing yet liberating and healing? Aiee, I'm going to be sick for a week.

Speaking of depressing, here's a depressing story about a rapist in India offering to marry his victim. Maybe the fundamentalist Christians are right. Maybe we are indeed living in the end times.

I'm off to Toronto to attend my 19 year high school reunion. When I first agreed to attend, I was in a much better place in my life and was really looking forward to seeing everyone. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Blame the break-up. It's a good lesson in variable emotional states, and also in how life conditions and your attitudes toward them are often transient.

Here's a pic of my new haircut:

Supergirl Redux

Apparently my link to the Supergirl story didn't work. Here are a couple more:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/world/newsid_3400000/3400327.stm

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_855907.html

Supergirl, Hasselhoff, African Debt and Kindergarten Mom.

The Nietzschean superman exists... and he's a Russian girl. This story was reported by the BBC, too, so it's looking legitimate. She's a witch! Burn her!

This will really creep you out. Bollywood held their version of the Oscars this weekend. And who was named International Star of the Year? David Hasselhoff. It's true, my droogies; the end is nigh. Click here, too, though I recommend some light narcotics to go with the latter link.

And now some good news. Canada has cancelled the debt owed it by Zambia, Honduras and Rwanda, for a sum of $52 million. The more cynical among us would say this is an inexpensive ploy by the foundering Liberal government to improve its profile on the eve of a federal election. The less cynical among us would say exactly the same thing.

In my continuing role as public educator, I present a bit of historical trivia. The photo below is of the young Peruvian girl Lina Medina wh0, at the tender age of 5, gave birth to a healthy baby boy, making her the youngest human mother in recorded history. Now doesn't that just give us all the collective douche chills? Yeeesh.